I will Spray paint anything in the Portland or Chicago area for a small payment of $100 for every defacement of anything.
United States of America - 21/3/07
Do you hate somebody?
when you hate somebody but just dont have the heart to tell them of just not enough nut to deal with it then call me with a way to contact them and why you hate them and I WILL DO IT FOR YOU! so you don't have to, all will be completely confidential and you will reap the rewards for your dirty deeds.
to contact me call 712-333-3888
just refer to "i hate somebody"
all payable contracts are based per individual at the time of discussion
I am and equal opportunity hater
results depend on the fact of the case,not garaunteed to have some adverse effects on your life
United States of America - 12/3/07
will sacrifice boredom for art ...
sick of mediocrity, and the clock's ticking; willing to sacrifice very little to pursue a life in art ... am inspired by grayson perry and all things 'k' - used to drink in the queen's head pub in long marston so i do have some bohemian credentials.
all reasonable offers will be grasped at, desperately.
United Kingdom - 10/3/07
A (metaphorical) suit of dogshit.
For no recognition whatsoever, I will walk around Rochdale wearing a cloak of my manyfold past embarrassments, represented here by dogshit. Oh yes.
United Kingdom - 3/3/07
chop my hand off cook it and eat it
Title means exactly what it says I'm a chef by trade and i would cut my own hand off and eat it for 10,000 English pounds, right hand only as i am left handed unless u wanna pay and extra 5 grand. don't really think feet would taste very nice so i ain't doing that. it would be stupid ya think?
e-mail me if you have any questions, would like to do it in person so that way if i faint from blood loss you can help me. could do it i guess over a live web cam i guess but i don't know anyone that would help me if i fainted. my girlfriend is definitely against me doing it. 2,500 quid and ill cut hers off. lol
i would like to know what a human brain tastes like so if you have and donations please e-mail me and ill give you my postal address
hope to hear from you soon :-)
United Kingdom - 2/3/07
Issues - dilemmas - matters arising - anxieties - worries - no job to small and ain't no mountain high enough - if enough is enough `i can't go on ( no more no more no ) then email me and for £5 an email I will deliver advice with the following caveat . Whatever advice one listens to it is all shit you will just do what you want anyway , but hey at least `i have provided the pause for thought . Look forward to hearing from you
United Kingdom - 19/2/07
For enough, I will give you 100% access of my soul. No refunds!!!
United Kingdom - 18/2/07
Get a load off your chest.
For a fee of £10 per hour over the phone, and £5 per hour in person (plus any travel expenses) i will listen, without judgement, to anything you have to say.
I will guarentee complete confidentiality, offer emotional support, and only give advice or express my own opinion if you ask me to do so.
I am a nice person, and a good listener, and i WILL be genuinely interested in what you have to say.
United Kingdom - 6/2/07
Are you a collector of souls? Or do you sometimes feel as if you dont have one at all? For instance, do you work in advertising, or vote conservative?
I will happily sell you my slightly tarnished, but largely innocent soul, to do with as you see fit, for just £45.00 O.N.O
I will sign any document you care to draw up, to make the transfer of ownership official in the eyes of both God, and the law.
United Kingdom - 6/2/07
Beat the shit out of me for money!
For a very reasonable price of just £50 per minute, i will strip to the waist, lie down on the floor, and allow you to beat, punch, kick, stomp, or assualt me in any way you see fit.
I will not attempt to actively defend myself, but i may use my arms to sheild your blows if i begin to lose consciousness, or bleed too heavily.
I am not a massochist. I just need money for crack.
United Kingdom - 6/2/07
dont be a fool give me all your money !!!!
hi my name is lloyd vincent carruthers and i am a scientist. for $199.95 plus gst i will attempt to kill any cat that you desire with the power of curiosity.
this may include
a) showing the cat pictures of curious people,
b) putting headphones on the cat and playing a looped sequence of the word "curiosity" for 72 hours straight to the music of ,
c) beating the cat senseless with a piece of cardboard with the word "curiosity" on it
d) hiring mimes to perform for the cat ,pretending to be small fat children exploring a cracker factory and both having 10 tonne crackers accidently fall down the back of their pants and blow them up, thus proving that curiosity has the power to kill.
i theorise that after each successive test the cat will become more and more agitated and on completion of the final test will most likely mainline a couple of kilos.
my work is rigorous, so value for money is assured, plus mimes are expensive and nongender specific.
if you are not in need of killing a cat with curiosity then i am quite willing to take payment, fake my own death, and go from town to town sleeping with prostitutes documenting the barometric pressure of each town.
salutations losers, this babys gonna make me rich, giddyup
lloyd vincent carruthers
Australia - 5/2/07
restore your virginity 2.50
write to me stating why you should be entitled to to your virginity back and I will send you a certificate stating that you are a born again virgin; fully aucthenicated by the worshipful company of virgins note: certifcate only valid until the next time you have sexual intercourse
United Kingdom - 3/2/07
I exorcise from the distance, base only on photography of the person to be exorcised. Contact me on my email address for further details about the price and about my power.
Romania - 2/2/07
I have found the secret to enlightenment. I want to share it with you. Find the difference between yourself, and yourself. And yes, there is a difference; enlightenment is knowing the difference. Prices negotiable, your soul is not. I will provide services through online correspondance, or chatting one-on-one if you live in central Pennsylvania, USA. This is not a joke. Would you like to step outside the world with me?
United States of America - 1/2/07
Eat an orange by proxy
For 50p I will purchase a Fairtrade orange of decent size and eat it. You can only imagine the delicious taste, tangy flavour and luscious aroma of the orange, and I will actually experience it on your behalf, then send you an email explaining how it was and how you should feel about your outsourced citrus fruit.
EXTRA! SPECIAL SERVICE FOR DIABETICS! Yearn to have something sugary from time to time? Pay me £1 and I'll drink a can of Coke, £ and I'll eat a Bounty bar. Hell, I'll eat two. For the diabetic who came too late, for £10 I will make up for all your lost time and eat a bag of pure granulated cane sugar, and send you the empty packet as proof.
United Kingdom - 25/1/07
I'll buy your child.
Are you poor? Despite your rich culture, strong family values, loving relatives and sense of community are you still lacking fiscal security?
Do you fear for your offspring's future?
Well, worry no longer. For a large amount of press coverage and considerable kudos afforded me by my over-privileged peers I will buy your child from you and claim to be 'saving' his or her life. Despite having enough money to buy your whole village food and shelter for life, not to mention put in place an infrastructure of education and healthcare that could perhaps make a real difference I shall endeavour to focus solely on your child and create an accessory of him/her. Forget the fact that the reason you and your people are so very poor is because there are so many of us multi-millionaires in the world and that the 'American dream' seems to be less concerned with the achievement of personal goals or the realisation of worthy ambitions and more to do with the acquisition of wealth in an ever more feverishly controlled battle of one-upmanship bound up in fear and isolationist tactics and instead think of what it will be like in ten years when you next see yo! ur child. They will have completely forgotten all about you, your culture and your familial bond. They will be calling me 'Mom', possibly be in therapy after the messy, lengthy divorce, hooked on anti-depressants, have a misguided idea of what 'Africa' is and instead use the affected posturing and ersatz lingo of the 'hood' in a conceited attempt to discover the idea of ethnicity forced upon them by myself and my team of ethno-gender based life gurus.
If you want a better life for your son (and by 'better' I mean my own personal definition of the word which uses the idea that accumulated wealth and a mendacious lifestyle that not only contribute to world poverty but are much concealed factors that are increasing the ever-widening gap between the two extremes of economic power and do nothing to stop the ever fame hungry western world from realising it is built upon duplicity and blind consumption, is 'better' than a life of simplicity that could be made much more comfortable if I didn't exist) then contact your local corrupt government now and be prepared to have your five minutes of fame as I hog the limelight, act like I am doing you a favour and treat your child as if I am rescuing them from you personally whilst you sit nervously behind a desk hiding your eyes from camera flashes and watch as your child leaves your side forever.
United Kingdom - 12/1/07
BRAND NEW - FULLY FUNCTIONAL & PACKAGED IDEAS FOR SALE
This in one of a limited number produced by the artist Chris Howell (aka ///rhys isteric). The piece was created by the artist because he felt that the he could not afford to make his grand ideas. So, instead of just letting them lie in books covering dust it was decided that he would sell off his ideas so that maybe others could use them and at least then they would be seen. The artist understands that with this there is indeed a Catch 22. Should he manage to sell his ideas and raise enough money so that he himself can start making the art, will there be anything left for him to make??? And who becomes the author of the idea? These are just some of the questions posed within this work. what is included within the package: 1 fully functioning 100 Watt idea, ready for home, studio or gallery.
1 set of instructions on how to best use the idea which includes background information.
signed and numbered packaging
also included is an additional material which will help hold your new idea in place
the artist also wishes to note that personalised ideas are available upon request, so if you have NO IDEA whatsoever then there is help at hand!!!
EXAMPLE PICTURES CAN BE FORWARDED TO POTENTIAL CONSUMERS. PRODUCTS MAY ALSO APPEAR ON EBAY FOR LIMITED PERIODS. IDEAS MADE TO ORDER. ENQUIRE WITHIN. BULK ORDERS OF IDEAS CAN ALSO BE MADE FOR A COMPANIES CONSUMPTION IF LACKING INSPIRATION ON ALL LEVELS.
United Kingdom - 7/1/07
Make you feel good
I will come to your home and shower you with admiration and praise. I will be the most obsequies man Friday you have met. I will document my time with you in photographs and create a fan site on the internet all about you! My price is $5000 per week.
United States of America - 5/1/07
Keep It Real For You--(cost proportional to the reality)
For an extremely affordable fee (not responsible for any legal fees, hospital fees, or any other trauma-induced expenses), I will "keep it real" for you. Services may include:
--Showing up at your wedding to a.)drunkenly and loudly vomit profusely during your wedding ceremony and b.)give an obnoxious and very filthy testimonial to your ability to procure the services of dank and haggard prostitutes while still being engaged to your wife
--Showing up at your parent's fiftieth wedding anniversary to stick my dick in the creamed potatoes
--Showing up at your place of employment to create an embarrassing scene in which I will claim to be the cheap trick you picked up in East London last week, for the purpose of loudly proclaiming that you may have caught some heinous disease from me and "need to get that shit checked out"!!
--Call your wife/girlfriend/mistress up and impersonate an officer of the law, to inform her that you have been arrested for raping the holy hell out of a pet monkey, a garden snake, and possibly your gardener's watering can
**I could go on, but you get the idea. I reserve the right to improvise while performing each service.
Looking forward to working with you!!
United States of America - 4/1/07
We're all in this together
Much to the surprise and dismay of the faux capitalism-hating douchebags who consistently knock the USA for behavior that they themselves are just as culpable for, I am will for FREE to place a mirror facing in the direction of any self-righteous insulter that wants to continue to denounce the US without examining their own actions first. Consider the irony of typing away on a computer which was likely manufactured by some underpaid third world laborer while you wear your Doc Maartens (same)and whine about how the fucking world mess is all the US's fault, as if Canada and the UK have nothing to do with it.
United States of America - 1/1/07
Meaning of Life
For £100 I will tell you the meaning of life, in one sentence. No religion, no worship, nothing you have to do out of the ordinary. Just give me £100 and I will give you the answer everyone has apparently been searching for. I found it the easy way, now so can you.
United Kingdom - 1/1/07
My name is Frank. I'm an asshole. Join me.
NOT AN ALCOHOLIC OR A DRUGGY BUT CAN'T FUNCTION WELL? YOU MAY JUST BE AN ASSHOLE! NOW, A 12 step program for the rest of us! Assholes Anonymous! Start a chapter! Write the handbook! Entire program IDEA FOR SALE! Cheap!
BE A RECOVERING ASSHOLE! AVAILABLE TODAY (13 DECEMBER 2006) FOR ONLY $1,000.OO DOLLARS. PRICE DOUBLES EVERY DAY THEREAFTER. ACT NOW YOU ASSHOLE.
United States of America - 13/12/06
human remote controller
for £10 an hour,i will change the channel,increase or decrease the volume,switch on or off the tv and generally be a remote control!dvd players/hi-fi's at extra cost.please note...commands in foreign languages are not supported by this human remote controller and might result in a thumping!!!
United Kingdom - 8/12/06
All the secrects of the world
For $5.00 (australia) Will share with you 1 secret. Secrets that have been hidden. And kept only by the elite and choosen few. For an extra $50.00 I will tell you what will happen 3 weeks in the futrue of your life.
Hurry and bet the christmas rush.
Australia - 8/12/06
Escalate your problems
Do you feel your day to day problems are banal, small scale, pathetic even? Do they make your life seem pointless and lacking in direction? For a fee of 30 to 40 pence or the equivalent in milk tokens I will take your problems up a notch or two, give you worries that are worthy of a Jacobean drama
United Kingdom - 31/10/06
PAYPAL ME 50P & I WILL BAIL YOU OUT
Paypal me 50P TO email@example.com and then email me WITH ALL THE DETAILS OF YOUR TEXT REQUEST and I will text anyone in the UK for you!! I CAN BE ANYONE YOU WANT ME TO BE.
Ideal when you wanna break up with someone or even to get an excuse to leave!!! IE. TOM YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE COME QUICK OR SALLY THANKS FOR THE GREAT NIGHT OUT YOU WAS WONDERFULLY EXPERIENCED OR NO MARGARET I WILL NOT MEET YOU IN THE OFFICE CUPBOARD
THE LIST IS ENDLESS
I will check my mail daily and guarantee a text within 24hrs. I have already been used many times and by people who want to text others anonymously
United Kingdom - 22/10/06
I will call up and insult the person of your chosing until they cry, or hang up, in which case I will cry because I would have failed. I'd like personal backround info on them so I can really hurt them. And if they live in Rome or Los Vegas or Michigan I can insult them in person because with in the next year I will be going to these places. E-Mail me for more info. Starting at $20 U.S.
United States of America - 30/9/06
I recently became a minster, a real, true to life minster. I take my new job very seriously, and I am a very religous man, but for a small fee I will damn you to hell. This is not a joke, I will put all my religous energy into make sure you will not get into heaven. I need all the money I can get seeing how I dont make much anymore. Name your price (be reasonable), I can take it back later on if you need me to. Other minster services available. Contact me by E-mail.
Rev. Jolly Roger
United States of America - 30/9/06
I will be your yesman
Let me know what you want me to agree with you on and I will! Just let me know what it is I don;t care..politics, social observations, ideas, ideals, I don't give a rats ass what it is I am the YESMAN and I will be yours for a humble sum of only $5.00 US I don't know what that is in quid but I am sure it is not much for you rich lads/birds from the UK or wherever else you may be. I am an American and will agree on everything you ask me to agree to, including and especially that George W. Bush is a lying sack of shit. A murdering piece of rat dung with a pecker as small as a vienna sausage!So come on have at it let me know what you want me to agree with. Also I will send you away with a cetificate that states that I the Yesman American agree with what you told me to say, signed and dated with a picture of my ass.
United States of America - 28/9/06
I will vote an all Democrat ticket this November for $500
United States of America - 27/9/06
Custom made Limericks - written just for you.
I write limericks and all sorts of rhyme
of such value their simply sublime
so give me a name
I promise not to defame
I'll deliver to you in no time.
Good lymerics are hard to write. Have me compose a lymeric for you or a freind. Makes a perfect birthday or wedding gift. Or just adds that special touch to a greeting card.
Just email me a name, a list of qualities and/or anecdotes. Funny or
$20 per 5 line limerick. Payable via PayPal before the work is undertaken.
Australia - 25/9/06
Give The Dog a Bone
Do you own a dog? For a negotiable fee I can come round and give it a bone.
No time wasters please. Edinburgh area only. No Shihtzu's please.
United Kingdom - 25/9/06
HAD A BAD DAY?
Did you have a bad day? Do u feel like u've just had the worst day of your life? For 0$, i will come over and swipe kick you, and when ur on the floor, i will piss on your face and shit in your mouth. This will remind you that your day could of been far worst!! Very popular in Los angeles!!!!
United States of America - 25/9/06
Narrow Boat Shifter
Got a narrow boat? Want it shifting? Too busy/lazy/scared to do it yourself? I will shift your boat anywhere on the connected English and Welsh canal network except the tidal Trent. Two years since I last offered my services, so the price has gone up to around 250 quid a week (but I'm flexible).
United Kingdom - 23/9/06
For only £30 an hour I will stalk you and make you feel absolutely loved and adored. I will follow you where ever you go and will stare trhough your window while you sleep. On special occasions you will get stalker gifts from a large box of rose petals topped off with my own blood...to your dogs head in a box. (Additional charges may incur dependsing on size of gift and how often you recieve them. Stalkeree must live within a 20mile radius of my address! Terms and Conditions apply)
United Kingdom - 22/9/06
I will help you figure out any problem you have. Depending on the problem, my rate is on a sliding scale. Email me your problem and I'll email you back an estimated cost for resolving your problem.
United States of America - 18/9/06
HELP YOU STOP FUCKING UP!
HEY! You know your fucking up dont you? Well YOU ARE! Do you wanna stop that crap? git your life togather? be a WINNER instead of somebody's "chicken dinner" then e mail me now and STOP FUKING UP AND START MOVING UP!
Price depending on just how bad you have fucked up so far, but a minumum of one dollar foe simple schitt. Free consultation!
United States of America - 6/9/06
UNIQUE PEN & INK DRAWING
FOR THE SUM OF ONE PRE 1965 SILVER COIN OR DONATION OF 5 DOLLARS, I WILL SEND YOU A ONE OF A KIND PEN & INK DRAWING. I PERSONALY GUARENTEE THAT EACH ONE WILL BE ONE OF A KIND NEVER REPRODUCED IN ANY WAY UNLESS BY YOU. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A TRUE WORK OF ART. WHEN I AM FAMOUS, YOU WILL MUCH MORE THAN DOUBLE YOUR INVESTMENT. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO HELP A STARVING ARTIST, AND MAKE A GREAT INVESTMENT FOR THE FUTURE.
United States of America - 6/9/06
Poem & Karma
For 2 pounds or $5 I will write you a personalized poem that will improve your Karma, not to mention self worth. As a bonus a genuine Newfounland Stamp will be included. Snail mail to POB 2656 St. John's , NL, Canada .A1C 6K1
Canada - 5/9/06
hi.. ever been unable or unwilling to live your dream? fulfill a wish? or explore your deepest desire? on your behalf i am willing to live, fulfill and explore your imagination for you.. all you have to do is cover my expenses.
Your dreams will come true!
United Kingdom - 2/9/06
Make you world famous
For only £50 I will put together a personal website for you and launch it on the web thus guaranteeing you a global audience. You will be responsible for providing content and will get only one pass at it - so don't get carried away. Once your site is online everybody in the world will get to see first hand how wonderful/sad/brilliant/idiotic/friendly/hateful/open-minded/bigoted you really are. Remember though, while pictures are good, the written word is best (though pictures of kittens will always have a profound impact). Incidentally, I don't do hate groups so don't ask. Normal restrictions apply
United Kingdom - 2/9/06
Save Energy Lose Pounds
You all know that losing pounds is hard graft, much sweat and toil and you use up a lot of energy. Well hey - send me your pounds (no more than £10 and no less than £1) using PayPal (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I will do all the hard work for you. Yes, I will help you lose pounds instantly and I guarantee to run around like a headless chicken working up a sweat on your behalf. Offer you can't refuse???
United Kingdom - 31/8/06
I find things for people
tell me what your looking for and i'll try to find it for a finders fee.iwnt do anything illeagly. thanks
United States of America - 29/8/06
i would do anything for a million pounds
United Kingdom - 28/8/06
Who won the War???
Are you a snotty little Brit, pissed off about your sad plight? Do things such as: watching the lowest scoring sport in history, screwing girls with bad teeth, using stupid words such as "wanker" and "petrol" knowing your country spawned The Spice Girls and Oasis, glorifying another countries music and culture because your own is so lame, eating food that third world countries would reject, and knowing your prime minister is in our back pocket and that we own your shitty little island...piss you off every second of the day?? For no fee I will email you daily with an expansive list of why The United States is far superior to your rainy country, a brief historical outline of how we threw your sad asses out of the country your imperial monarchy colonized, and other fun facts about how you suck.
United States of America - 25/8/06
The Photography Game
For 10 U.S. dollars you can play my original photography game. Each week, for ten weeks, you will receive an originally composed macro photo to which you will guess the subject. If you are able to correctly guess the subject of the photo three or more times over the course of ten weeks, you get your money back. A cheap game and a fun challenge.
United States of America - 21/8/06
I will exhibit your art for free
Do you want international stardom for your artistic abilities?
Just send me your artwork and I will display them at a bar and a galley in Norway. I will send you a digital picture of your piece of art when it is displayed but will not promise to return the art. When I receice enough art objects I will exhibit in other galleries in Norway and I will keep you informed whith the exhibition.
Please send to:
PO Box 526
BjĮrn Helge Jahnsen
Norway - 19/8/06
Music 4 Free
I am an expert at finding music for free on the internet. For a small donation I will endevour to find anything you request, and if I can't I wont expect financial remuniration.
United Kingdom - 15/8/06
Hello, Pathetic and lost? I have the answer. I have a new dream for you! My life is busy and I have lots of things to do. I dream of doing many things, but never get around to them. TV and couch sitting are very involved.
For only $24.99 and some weed I'll dream up a new goal in life for you. Your useless existence saved by me.
United States of America - 5/8/06
GUM & BOOGER MAN
FOR $20 PER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM I WILL EXPERTLY REMOVE ALL THE GUM & BOOGERS FROM THE STUDENTS DESKS. FOR CLASSROOMS WITH LESS THAN 20 DESKS I WILL INCLUDE CLEANING OF THE WALLS NEXT TO THE OUTER ROWS OF DESKS. BLOOD STAINS INCLUDED. GUARANTEED NO DAMAGE TO SURFACE AREAS OF DESKS OR WALLS SHOULD PICKS OR CHISELS BE REQUIRED. THE GUV.
United States of America - 2/8/06
DJ for hire. Will come play records at your house party/college function/bahmitsvah/armageddon readiness and preparation ceremonies. I play a huge range of tunes, all specifically catered for throwing yourself all over a room to.
London/Stratford-upon-Avon/Leamington only... will not play in Clacton-on-Sea... that place gives me the fear.
No cash payment necessary, just donations of beer and miscellaneous (unmentionables) for services provided.
Night of carnage and colossal tunes guaranteed.
United Kingdom - 1/8/06
Cry like a pussy
Tough day at the office? Wife got you riping hair off your head? Bully Stole your lollipop? Well, have I got an offer for you.
I will Cry like a pansy, a pussy if you will, while you hurl insult after insult at me. Be it a sniffle, slow sob, Big fat rolly polly tears while you knock back years of pent up frustration on one ready to cry guy. $20 bucks for an all out 15 min session.
Canada - 30/7/06
Shave your friends cat/dog
Want to confuse and annoy a friend?
from just $50 Aus I will abduct your friends cat or dog shave all it's hair off and take photos of the whole process and return the beloved pet to it's owner without their knowledge. This will ensure your friend is totally confused as to why this has happened and more than likely leave them down right sh#**ed off. Note that $50 is the start price larger animals will cost more (Quotes on app) and for an additional $20 will air brush a major companies logo/trademark onto the animal (non-toxic, easy to remove, animal friendly paint used) Australian customers only, Queensland preferred, Travel costs extra.
Australia - 29/7/06
Jokes? I've got jokes.
Three blokes sitting in a rowing boat. One asks another; "who's that other cunt in the boat?" "That's your fucking Dad" says the other. "I thought he was dead" says the first man. "He is" says the other.
If you want top grade comedy material on a par with the above 'joke' then email your credit card details to the address below.
1 joke - £1. 2 jokes - £10, it's that simple.
United Kingdom - 25/5/06
Looking for canvas paintings? I have a small collection of works that I've done. If you'd like to look through and see if there are any you like email me with any of your specifications and I'll send you an email back with photos of some that fit what you want. Just put the subject of the email as : Reply to Ad on youwhores.com!
United States of America - 24/5/06
Write Your Name On Bathroom Walls, Pittsburgh, PA
For the small fee of $15.00 USD I will go around to public rest rooms in popular clubs and write good or bad stuff about you. You decide, want complete strangers in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area to think you're good in the sack or do you want them to know you have a smelly sac? All you have to do is send me cash or a check and I will take a sharpie and go tell Pittsburgh whatever you want. I'll even put your phone # on the wall if you want. For a good time e-mail me. Sorry about the price, it's a 3 drink minimum!
United States of America - 22/5/06
I do very impressive micro house and similar tracks, which can be used to films and visualisations. Low prices..!!!!
Czech Republic - 22/5/06
ALL odd jobs around the house, £25 p/h
ANY job needs doing at your house i can handle, just e-mail me for a prompt response, anything considered all at the bargain price of 25 quid an hour
United Kingdom - 21/5/06
Mathematical documents produced with love
If you need to convert some mathematical writing into a digital format, then I might be able to help you out. If you're not quite sure what I'm talking about, let me give you an example:
The images you see on there are what the end product will be like. Can provide an example. Will be produced in .pdf format.
Price: £25 per hour (or equivalent in other currency).
United Kingdom - 7/5/06
You need something explaining, and I need to explain it to you
If you're confused about something or just want an answer to a question or a topic, then I'm your guy. I will research the area and try to come up with an answer. If I don't come up with one, you don't have to pay.
Price: £15 per 30 minutes
United Kingdom - 7/5/06
Receive only 1 of 52 possible cards ever made
Have you ever wanted something that's a collectable? Well I have a deck of cards and you could be the proud owner of one. They are a pack of bicycles, about 2-years-old, and I am selling them off, 1 card per person, for just £2 each, signed by yours truly.
Cards will be selected at random, face-down, and whoever gets the Ace of Spades gets £1 off the price.
United Kingdom - 5/5/06
Make Sequels Illegal
For the princely sum of just £1 I will write to every major US and UK film studio and request that they never make another sequel based on the box office take of the first film in an intended franchise.
We all know that the only sequels which cut the mustard are as follows:
1. The Godfather Part II
2. The Empire Stikes Back
3. The Spy Who Shagged Me
The other ones you're thinking of, by the way, are probably parts of a trilogy and hence DO NOT COUNT!
Anyway - enough from me. Get in touch with your most offensive sequel of all time or join the dabate at www.empireonline.co.uk
United Kingdom - 1/5/06
don't do what i did
don't do what i did it hurt and still does! and looks likly to be fatal. if you want to know what i did then give me a shout and for a small fee i will tell you what it was that i did "if i'm not dead by then, from the thing that i did" so hurry offer ends when i die and so does the knowledge!
United Kingdom - 10/12/05
I'll read what you have to say.
For 10 UKP (cash), I will read an email (or letter) from you, consider what you have to say, and write as thoughtful of a reply as I can manage. Complain, share some crazy idea, write some vile erotica, or share the worst poetry you've ever written. Send a thoughtful letter to a stranger, which you are willing to pay them to read and respond to. Consider it a sort of consulting, for your humility, and (perhaps) mine.
United States of America - 9/12/05
Disrespect the dead.
What better way to disrespect the memory of a sadly departed loved one, than dancing on their grave? For a fixed fee of £10 plus travel expenses I will visit the grave and dance to a song of your choosing. Additional dances £5.
N.B Please note I can't moonwalk.
the nefarious labaster
United Kingdom - 30/11/05
WANT 2 READ ABOUT MY LIFE
I can send you illustrated drawings, pictures and writing descriptionís of my life four 50.euros/5 days. I have a very active life following other persons, have several jobs in a year and my person itís a dangerous case off decomposition along with my brain!!!
Itís your chance 2 feel better with your life just by reading and watching pictures about mine...
Special bonus along the year.
I can send it all over the world, just send me a mail 2 arrange the details
Portugal - 27/11/05
I will draw you a picture.
Prices start at ten pounds sterling.
e mail for details.
United Kingdom - 27/11/05
I will write you a story.
Prices start at twenty five pounds sterling.
e mail for further details.
United Kingdom - 27/11/05
Reacher for Sale
Having trouble reaching the top shelf of the medicine cabinet or can't wash the middle part of your back because you're too fat or have really short arms? I can help. I have been gifted with superior agility and a 6'6" frame that allows me to reach things that are generally unobtainable by the average bloak. Yes, I am a professional reacher. For the nominal fee of $14.50 an hour plus room and board I will reach for anything you desire. Cat caught in the tree? Well, as long as I can reach it from the ground I will return it to you. Don't waste your time with ladders or chairs. Get the real deal. Get a professional reacher! Stilts
Canada - 25/11/05
a limited edition cd-r devoted to you
for a price of 46euros i'll make an album of noise/experimental electronic music, burn 23 numbered copies of it and send them to you with handmade sleeves. for myself i'll make two unnumbered copies to keep as a documentation. you can also send your photographs to be used in sleeve design and samples to be used in music. lenght of album will be between 20 and 80 minutes, depending how inspiring person you happen to be. your name will be mentioned in the title of the album. i'll also list the album on my website as a sold-out rarity item.
Finland - 22/11/05
I'll take on your sins and moral aberrations
For a donation - no matter how small - to any charity, I shall take on all your sins and moral lapses.
Hong Kong - 22/11/05
Are you lonely? Want to receive some mail?
I know how you feel. I'd love to get stuff in the post all the damn time, useful or not. I'm sorry things aren't better for you, really I am. All you have to do is send me and Self Addressed Envelope with a Stamp on it and I'll send it back with something from "Joel 90's magical lucky dip factory" check it out yo. Simple as that. Now when you go to the pub on your own you can tell the barman you got some post today. Well done you!
Email me for more details. Peas out!
United Kingdom - 22/11/05
Buy a share in my future success
I am floating my future credibilty on the stock market. 100% of the value of all my future ideas will be divided equally amongst my shareholders, the first £1 buys 100%, the second 50% and so on. On the event of the first of any one of my ideas developing into a success, be it a pay-rise, an oscar nomination, a publishing deal, The Weakest Link prize money or a Brit award, I will personally dedicate my oeuvre to your name, in public, with the following sentence:
"And thank you to _(your name here)_ whose dedication and belief in me in those early days helped me to where I am today."
You shall also receive an email from me, notifying you of my official gratitute.
Note - Hysterical sobbing negotiable. If you feel you have a credible claim in the artistic licence of said oeuvre/masterpiece/random act of violence and would like to share credit for the resulting negative-positive publicity - you have my email, we can talk.
The definition of 'Future Success' does not include any future, unplanned event such as conception/birth of a child and/or the resulting paternity suit. Shareholders will not be held responsible.
United Kingdom - 21/11/05
Need to feel validated?
Are you an enabler? Do you need to be needed by the needy? Are you desperate for the attention of someone... ANYONE just to make yourself feel useful and loved?
For $999 USD a week plus expenses I am willing to be a total and complete leech. My insecurities can become youres! I will assume the role of grateful, desperate loser all the while taking advantage of you emotionally, spiritually and financially (if you're sexy, then physically too) leaving you a morally and monitarily bankrupt sucker.
If you'd like to be verbally abused on top of it all, that's negotiable for a discounted fee.
United States of America - 21/11/05
Your one true friend - £50 per year
Everyone needs one, I will be yours. The one person you can truly count on, call in the middle of the night and burden with your problems.
United Kingdom - 21/11/05
You in Moscow!
For a paltry $10. I'll print your name or message clearly on an A4 sheet of paper and stand in Red Square (in the freezing cold snow!) and send you a photo of it!
Russia - 21/11/05
LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE, A HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS
I'll light myself on fire, or at least, light a compound on my skin on fire, at least on a part of my body, if not all of it, for a hundred thousand pounds. No proof will be provided, you must have faith. Payment due up front in coin.
United States of America - 19/11/05
Bespoke Design for Bands and Artists
ĎWe canít make you sound great, but we can make people listení
Offering a bespoke design service exclusively for bands and artists Toxic Creations is fuelled by a love for both music and design. By being exclusive to bands and artists Toxic Creations holds advanced knowledge of the market. This only stands to improve the standard and success of the work produced.
Want to polish your demo and get signed, or self publish in true Indie fashion. Whatever your aim Toxic Creations works closely with you to ensure perfection. Logos, posters, flyers and websites are just a fraction of the services on offer.
United Kingdom - 14/11/05
For one New Penny:
Available (outside of 9-5 working hours) for M/F Gender-ReAlignment experimentation. Sussex area. Bored.
United Kingdom - 11/11/05
Humiliate Someone You Know Who Wears A Toupee
For $25 bucks, I will approach your boss, dad, ex-boyfriend or whoever in a public and rip the bad fake hair right off his head. You must provide me with a location that affords easy getaway and minimal chance of arrest or retaliation in addition to an audience for the humiliating de-rugging.
Canada - 10/11/05
Fund A Trip To Create A Book
I want to write a book,specifically it's categorised as either humour or travel literature. I will not share the subject matter here, because as far as I am aware there has yet to be a book produced on the subject. Normally writing a book would be cheap, but this book would involve a trip to Japan. I figure the entire trip including travel lodging and other expenses will cost about $10,000 Canadian. Those who donate more than just a couple of dollars will be listed in the acknowledgements, and all who donate will be given a synposis about the book.
Really you are just going to waste your money any way, you might as well help a man follow his dreams. Contact for details about payment.
Canada - 30/10/05
You For Pope?
For the measly sum of £4.20, I will guarantee that, at the time of the next papal election, I will to everything in my power to have you put before the cardinals as a candidate for the papacy. Should you be elected to the position, my fee may or may not rise to me being made a saint when I die.
United Kingdom - 29/10/05
I will share with you, one of my own personal DEEP DARK SECRETS, for a dollar. You pick the topic, I spill the beans. For four more dollars I will go into explicit detail, viciously describing said secret.
United States of America - 27/10/05
I WILL......do an american accent for £10.00
I am always told "rose, you do a fabolous american accent even though you are half english, a quarter irish and a quarter australian". And what follows is "Please say 'yea, sure' in american. So i go "NO!!" But just for you i am willing to say these 2 words to make you all happy and so you can take the mic out of me later!! Yours now, only £10.00!!!!
United Kingdom - 26/10/05
for a monthly fee of 30$ i'll be your friend from France. i'll write you a monthly letter about how much i miss you and about my life in here. i'll call you from time to time and expect calls from during office hours. you can tell me your worries and i'll try to give you advice in a French accent.
France - 25/10/05
YOUR BEST MATE
A bit of a wanker and dress like a turd, or are you a bit of a mong and smell funny..
Get a YOUR BEST MATE
Don't kidd yourself. Going to the pub by yourself makes you and outcast of normal society. Thinking of going on the pull by yourslef don't be a fool I'll face the rejection for you. Wanna go clubbing and dance by yourself, then there's a good chance you'll get a good kicking by normal people and quite right to.
That's right you lepper get a BEST MATE £50 for only 8pm till late, I may laugh at you a bit and take the piss if your deformed or have missing limbs but it's better then me wanting to give you a good beating. wheelchair users always welcome but expect some crisps down your back.
(plus taxis, drinks, kebabs & sundries)
*If you're a total cunt I will have to smack you about a bit, but it's for your own good..
United Kingdom - 21/10/05
random is the new order, shuffle your life
We will make decisions for you. You can send us two or more alternatives (but with no supporting info) and we will make choices for you. for example, a) shall I dump my boyfriend b) shall I string him along? c) shall I agree to marry him?
£2.50 per random decision
Laura and Fran
United Kingdom - 12/10/05
You Whores Black Star Recommendation
Are you famous? Then you probably suffering from the problems that arise from being famous. You can't walk peacefully on the streets, people always lie to suck up to you, you have no sense of reality and you have way too much money. I can defame you. On a personal basis we will develop a step-program, to help you screw up your career, get you a new identity and disappear of the chart completely. Having years of experience being an anonymous inconspicuous person, I can help you now. Mail me and get defamed for the reasonable price of EUR 50. (There may be an additional money extraction procedure necessary, to make you realise the value of money again).
Help realise my dream
I have always wanted to help the unfortunate people of the world. One day, I want to travel and do aid work in Africa. I want to make a difference and give hope.
If 1 million people send $1 to email@example.com via paypal, I promise I will invest the money to earn $50,000pa to support my family while working overseas free of charge helping ones in third world countries. I will also, write a list of peoples names who donated, and publically thank all who contributed. Make a difference by helping me make a difference. What do you have to lose?
Australia - 4/10/05
Corrupt Child for Sale!
I am willing (for a small fee), to create the most corrupt child in the world. For 300 dollars. Give me a child and pay it's expenses and you will have the spawn of satan living in your very own house. Not only this, he will be trained to attack on order, hump legs, and make dinner.
Disclaimer: Not claiming any responsibility for loss of property and/or anal virginity and/or soul. Any divine intervention shall be seen as a breach of contract and i reserve the right to withdraw my corrupt child from your presence and have you pay the child support.
Australia - 27/9/05
In this stop 'n' shop world we live in it can be difficult to find
the right faith! Well until now!
For the sum of £20 I shall offer the perfect religion to meet with
your needs. For an extra £12 I will also promptly berate you for
folding to the consumer trend of picking and choosing said religion. Also included in price are Madonna's "Sex" and a bottle of turpentine. No Mormons.
United Kingdom - 25/9/05
what do you need done
I will do most anything you want at a very resonable price
you can e mail me and i will contact you as soon a possible with my number
United States of America - 20/9/05
Listening to your music while you can't!
Fancy a well-sorted record collection but got no time to enjoy it? Not enough freetime to just sit down and listen to the music?
For 5 UKP/hour (+ travel costs) I will come to your place and listen to your records! While you eat, sleep or work, I will make myself at home at your place and browse through your collection, enjoy the music and admire your taste!
(will bring my own food - special rates for certain genres available on demand)
Don't let those treasures collect dust - they deserve better!
Germany - 14/9/05
Shush now please
I'm a busy man, I don't have time to indulge your silly attempts at being arty and hip. For £50 I will allow you to contact me, only to be told instantly that I am too busy. For an extra £25 I will imbellish this with at least one reason why I can't speak to you.
United Kingdom - 10/9/05
I will double your money in no time!
You know this uncomfortable situation when you're out with close friends or colleagues who think you've got money to burn. But when the bill comes and all of them stare into your wallet and see your low tide you're done.
For only £15 per banknote I will cut one of your 10 pound notes in two and glue it to a blank sheet of paper. Thus you "visually" have double the money when you skip through it with your thumb. You can then pay with the really big thing and let your friends in good faith that you're the man.
Germany - 9/9/05
Sponsor my cold
Are you a robusty and hearty individual? Are you in good health? Can you remember the last time you got sick? Do you long for the moment you can say "I have a cold"?
I get colds, lots of them, I have had 4 this year. For £10 000 (Ten Thousand pounds) you can sponsor my next one. For this money you will get:
A guarantee I will keep myself in a stressed out, insomniac, caffeine high state to supress my immune system to bring on my next cold before year end. I will then visit anyone I know who has a cold to try and infect myself.
An email every day detailing mucus production and glandular reaction (even if bed ridden, I have a WiFi set up).
My Daily Obs Charts - Temp, Blood Pressure, Heart Rate etc...
Tissues sent daily with actually sputum and nasal discharge. So you may get yourself infected and join in if you so desire.
A T Shirt stating "I Sponsored Stuart's Cold"
A video diary of my suffering detailing my first and last doctors visit so you know I am not faking either the cold or the cure.
All the empty packets of medicine, signed and mounted.
An option of sponsoring my next cold for a discount of 10% (£9 000)
If the cold develops a fever I will expect a balloon payment of £5000 for the extra suffering I will undertake on your behalf.
No Medical Research Labs need apply.
First come first served.
United Kingdom - 8/9/05
Punch your girlfriend!
Ever got into an argument with your significant other and just wished you could punch her and be done with it? Are you too much of a nice person to do it? For the nominal fee plus travel expenses I will come round to your house and personally punch your girlfriend, regardless of the consequences, and you will get all the pleasure and none of the guilt! You can specify an area you would like your girlfriend to be punched in, at £10 below the belt, 15 for the stomach chest or arms or £20 for a punch in the face.
I can also punch spouses for a fee of £50.
United Kingdom - 31/8/05
I will make a mould of your genitals, male and female, and create a bronze from the mould. A talking point for any party.
United Kingdom - 30/8/05
Chocs 4 the Loved
Do you really love someone but scared to talk to them? Well for a small £25 i will send them chocs and flowers in your name or any1s name.
Please feel free to abuse this.
United Kingdom - 20/8/05
what country am i in
for 12 pounds i will send you an email saying what country you are in for a bit extre i will say if it is a big country or small 1 and tell you the capital city of that country
all money must be paid to me before email has arrived
United Kingdom - 15/8/05